The Stranger In the Mirror by Marlene Steinberg M.D

Author:Marlene Steinberg, M.D. [Steinberg, Marlene; Schnall, Maxine]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-06-206322-9
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2001-04-12T04:00:00+00:00

“DON’T TOUCH ME”

“I felt so violated, so attacked, and so ashamed to have been arrested in that way,” Linda tells me when she comes in for her first visit, looking ultrafeminine and professional at the same time in a soft charcoal gray wool jersey dress and a leather belt with a decorative buckle accentuating her narrow waist. “For a week I was in shock,” she says. “I just limboed around, saying, ‘I can’t believe this happened.’ It felt like a really bad dream. And then it hit me that it did happen. And I am just so totally paranoid from this thing. All I do is think and think and think and think about that night and relive the moment. I live in fear of that officer coming after me and hurting me to keep me quiet. My panic attacks have gotten so bad that I think I might have to be hospitalized at some point. That’s why I’m here.”

“Have you ever had panic attacks like this before?” I ask.

“Oh, yes, I started having them when I was in my late teens,” Linda replies. “I became agoraphobic for a while after that and was afraid to leave the house. I’ve been in therapy on and off for the past five years.”

“Are you seeing anyone now?”

“No, it’s been about a year since I stopped therapy, but I’m still on medication for my anxiety.”

She shows me the pills she’s taking, and the dosage seems appropriate. “When you get these panic attacks,” I ask, “what exactly are you feeling?”

“I had one about four o’clock this morning that was so intense it woke me up from my sleep. It started with chest pains that went down my arm. My heart was beating fast. My hands were sweaty. My face was flushed, and I felt dizzy. I thought I was having a heart attack. My fiancé woke up and asked, ‘What’s wrong?’ We’ve been living together for six months, but we’ve known each other for two years and he’s very attuned to me. I almost felt like saying, ‘Ted, call an ambulance.’”

“But you didn’t?”

“No. I knew from experience that this would probably last only about twenty minutes. I asked Ted to use some guided imagery to put me back to sleep. We do a lot of sailing on his boat in the summer, so he started talking about sailing and being out in the calm ocean and the gentle rocking of the boat and feeling at peace. I closed my eyes, and eventually I felt a little better. But I’m afraid that’s not going to work anymore.”

“Why not?”

“I’m under too much stress. They suspended my driver’s license, and that means I have to drive without a license to go to work. I’m terrified of being stopped again. That officer charged me with assault and battery. I went to court the next day and got out on a twenty-five-dollar bail. They could throw me in jail if I get stopped this time. In retrospect I think,

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